We often believe our brain is making conscious decisions, but most of our reactions are not conscious—they are biologically driven by our nervous system’s need to keep us safe and help us connect with others.
Your nervous system is constantly picking up signals from your environment and the people around you—sometimes without you even realising it. These signals feed into your Autonomic Nervous System (ANS), which is run by your brainstem. This system then shapes how you react to situations, triggering one of three responses: Do you freeze? Do you fight or flee? Or do you feel safe enough to relax and connect?
These are not cognitive choices, they are physiological responses.
These are not choices you’re making with your thinking brain—they are automatic body responses that happen in a split second, before you even have time to think about it. Your brainstem is constantly asking: Is this safe? Can I trust the people around me?
What feels safe for one person (giving a presentation at work or going to a busy restaurant) might feel stressful and overwhelming for another. Most of us never stop to notice how our body’s state is influencing everything we do and think. And we usually don’t realise that our body’s reaction comes first, and then we create a story to explain it.
Signals of safety might include feeling excited, being comfortable, having regular breathing, smiling, making eye contact with others, and sleeping well.
Signals of threat might include: anxious, shallow breathing, dry mouth, restless sleep, agitation, short temper, a feeling of wanting to hide or just not be there.
We are all unique, with our own distinct experiences and responses to the world. Your nervous system is constantly working to protect you and support connection. It does this by sending signals throughout your body that trigger automatic physical responses. That racing heart when you’re about to speak in public? That’s your body preparing for action—it happens automatically, before your thinking brain has even caught up. The story follows the state.
The good news is that over time, as you become more aware of what your body is actually telling you, you can begin to develop a different relationship with these automatic responses.
How do I know this?
I have studied Polyvagal Theory since my daughter had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and the medical system could not explain it. The doctors were supportive and provided medication and strategies for her many symptoms - racing heart (POTS), pain, anxiety, lack of sleep, erratic blood sugar and blood pressure, brain fog, sensitivity to light, sound, touch, food, smell - but there was no explanation or prognosis. I wanted to understand the underlying mechanism for all the symptoms.
I was reading medical papers at 3am but it was only when we came across the fact that the Autonomic Nervous System connects all of these organs that anything started to make sense. This is Polyvagal Theory. It explains so much and more people should know about it and use it.
Dr Stephen Porges proposed Polyvagal Theory in the 1970s. The term polyvagal comes from the Vagus nerve, the 10th cranial nerve that wanders around our body and is a primary component of the parasympathetic nervous system. The autonomic nervous system has two branches - sympathetic and parasympathetic.
The sympathetic provides the mobilised, fight-or-flight response. The parasympathetic branch provides the hide and play dead, freeze response, and it has another less talked about branch, allowing us to connect and socially engage.
We can interrupt and change our responses.
We can feel safer and heal.
Polyvagal Theory can provide a new way of understanding stress, anxiety and chronic health issues. It offers hope to those who want to heal, not just cope with symptoms. It can help us understand relationships. It is likely the missing piece of information that you have been looking for.
By learning to understand and work with your whole nervous system, you can regain a sense of safety, control and well-being. You learn to be aware of your responses, you build habits that change the way you react, and you start to understand what it feels like to be safe enough to be who you are in the world. Imagine what it might be like to feel safe enough to be who you are.
I include the Safe and Sound or Rest and Restore Protocols in all my coaching programmes because they help you feel safe enough.
It is Practical, Purposeful & Possible
We have three ‘choices’ built-in
we can hide, we can fight or run away, or we can connect - let me explain